I keep having people ask me how I’m doing or how college life is. I usually will answer that everything’s fine, I’m busy as ever, and college life is crazy. In a way, this is a better, or rather, more in depth view of what’s been going on.

Lately I’ve had a real hard time processing what’s going on. I go to work, classes, and other stuff, and I’m in a constant state of exhaustion. I truly feel bad about all of the comments I’ve made in the past ranting about people changing. I now know I have never had the right to judge that, nor will I ever have that right. I’ve done a fair amount of changing over the past little while, particularly over the past few days and I’m still deciding if those changes were for the best.

I really don’t care anymore. I go through the motions, make people believe I care that they have a crush on this guy or mastered a test or have emotional impact on me, but it’s all feeling so superficial. I got my first kiss from a person who has no emotional attachment to me nor I to him, and I have no real emotional response to it. I’m not angry, not happy, not bitter, not anxious. It was a rather momentous occasion, and yet I don’t have enough concern to assign an emotion to it.

I suppose I’ve been spoiled. Growing up I never had a guy treat me like a piece of meat, at least not to where I heard about it. Now, I feel cold and packaged ever so cleanly, so much so that even those apprehensive about killing something feel comfortable using me. Some of you may be shocked to find that I swear more often, almost every bit of which is aimed at myself. I look at my writing, my emotions, my drives, and my actions, and I hate that damn slutty bitch so pathetically stuck in an emo-angst rut.

I’ve moved past the cold stage and straight into the tingling numb of frostbite. Even in social situations such as parties or tournaments I’m surrounded by people, all of them behind a wall that they have no idea is there. I suppose it’s natural, after all, I had many a friend go through the same thing. Does that make it right? Does that excuse me? All the relationships I’ve built up over the years are simply sifting away and I’m not making new friends to replace them, so intent am I on pretending to grab at the fading grains. I have little doubt that there will be shallow, well meant responses to this post. It’s the typical thing to do and I will respond back in kind, telling everyone that I’m fine so we can all go back to our contented worlds, satisfied that we did our bit of charity work for the day. And yet, if I’m really so cynical of the comments and my response, then why didn’t I post it privately?

There was a time when I would cry myself to sleep almost every night just to purge myself of all of the grief going on around me. Now I simply sleep.

Voice Post

Desperate times...

...Call for desperate measures.  In short, I’ve come up with an interesting scheme to earn some extra cash, but I’m lacking a few essential items. Namely:

A black Beret
A small guitar like instrument, such as a banjo or a ukulele(Doesn’t matter if it has strings or not)

if you have any of these items and feel like lending me a hand, I’d be greatly appreciative!

college

Live’s been so crazy over the past few days. Classes and work are keeping me busy. So busy, in fact, that I’m hardly ever home except to eat and sleep, and sometimes not even then. Thursday I was away from home for 7:00AM to 9:30 PM with only a couple of sandwiches and some fruitsnacks. My family was even kind enough to save dinner for me (fortunately for them).
School is...amazing. I’m really enjoying my classes and thriving on the fact that my professors are inclined to treat me as equals, instead of subordinate beings. Most of my classes currently are of the liberal arts variety, which is fun, as most of my teachers are just that; of the liberal, education is what you want it to be, “let’s do something creative and forget grades” variety. Of all of those, my English Professor, Christa Albrecht-Crane is looking like the most such.
First off, the book we were assigned as our textbook is called “everything bad is good for you” by Steven Johnson. Contrary to all my other freaking expensive textbooks ($150+ for 4 books is a crime I swear) this one was less than $15 and honestly, I would read it without an assignment. Johnson’s book is about how things like video games, computers, TV and other such elements of pop culture are, contrary to popular belief, actually making us smarter. His presentation of the subject is freaking brilliant! Honestly it’s a must have book for any WoW addicted teenager.
Thinking of what kind of a teacher would assign such a book for an English class gives you an idea of my professor. To further clarify, she’s in her 30's, has a nose ring, and came to class Thursday wearing jean shorts and a tanktop. After the flack Kami got from the administration at Lone Peak for having a nonvisible tongue ring and daring to want to teach, I can’t imagine how they’d react to her (honestly, I’d pay money to see it).
Anyways, we were in class last Tuesday with the expectation that we would discuss our reading.
Christa stands up in front of class and informs us that instead of just asking each of us to take individual notes, which we wouldn’t, we’d take communal notes. We were each given a paper and told that every time we changed subjects, a new person would take notes on that subject. Kind of weird, but we were willing. The discussion went on. After a few minutes it was clear that I wouldn’t be taking notes that class period, so I did what I typically do when I have a fresh sheet of paper; I started doodling. At the end of class I turned in my paper like everyone else and left the room. As I was getting into my car I realized, Oh crap, I just turned in a page of doodles to my English teacher! Also, considering that they were commentary on the lesson, AND they were on the extra large sheet of paper she’d given us at the beginning of class, she would know, in no uncertain terms, that I had been doodling during our entire discussion. In short ladies and gentlemen, it was the second day of class and my grade was pretty much screwed.
Thursday I go in to class and she has us pick up our notes from last class period. Lo and behold, my sheet of comics is on the top of the pile in front of her. I tried to inconspicuously sneak them from the pile, when she stopped me and said “Did you draw these?” Up until this point I had thought there was some chance that I might be forgiven, after all, they were on the discussion. So much for that. I sheepishly answered “yes” to which she told me that she’d rejoiced at the comics and that she wanted to use them as a demonstration of our first writing project. I was not only allowed to save my comics and my grade, but was encouraged to continue them as my first draft to our assignment.
Additionally this same teacher created her own myspace page in order to get a taste of our written communication outside of a typical format. Now, instead of turning in a reading response at the beginning of class, we can comment on the chapters on her myspace page, as well as have a discussion about it, and receive actual credit for those comments.
I tell you what, if this is college, then I’m going to fit in just fine^^;

ok, last time

Just so's you know, if you've tried to call me on my cell in the past couple of days I did not and will not get the message.  there were some problems with my old cell so I sent it in and got a new one.
Yeah, My cell number changed again unfortunately.  It's now 801-471-8862.  Sorry for the chaos.

And thus, the end of a monumental summer.

First a re-cap:
Summer 2006
*Actually graduated!!! (despite finding out the day before that I actually could)
*Went to Euba lake with friends for an amazing senior day
*Got a steady job that kept me busy
*Joined a single's ward that I love (Thank you Bekah!)
*Went Ice Blocking for the first time
*Cried for over 3 hours straight
*River rafted for the first time on a green river trip
*Crashed several wedding receptions and one family reunion, as well as showing up everyone with mad mad dancing skills (Cameron you're amazing!)
*Drove up the canyon in a convertible
*Got my college schedule worked out
*Went to Seattle for a week and fell in love with it
*Dealt with assorted drama
*Was in a movie as a nun

It's amazing how different I feel.  Random simple things give me this overwhelming feeling of contentment, and such occurrences are more frequent than they ever have been in the past.  the levels of understanding and respect between me and my parents are increasing.  I feel artistic fro the first time in so long.  For the most part I am generally happier with who I am and where I'm going, despite the uncertainty that I'm sure to face.  For once I can see a plan for my future ahead of me and I'm content to have it unfold without worrying over it.   
This fall I will be taking 15 credits over at UVSC.  I'll be living at home, working MWF from 10AM to 6PM, and commuting to school on tuesdays and thursdays which are scheduled like so:
8:30-9:45 AM Argumentation
10:00-11:15 Biology
11:30-12:45 Drama
1:00-2:15 Meteorology
2:30-3:45 English
I plan to take 15 more credits next semester, then 10 next summer, at which time, if everything goes well, I will have my associates in Pre-professional with a focus on law.  I will move out next fall, then continue two more years to get my Bachelors in somethingorother.  After that I will be going to BYU's law school for three more years, at which time I will be able to leave school behind to pursue my career.  There are variables of marriage, children, and mission, which have not been fully planned, but which I will meet when they come.

Wow.  The above is mostly for my own reflection.   It somehow makes it even less intimidating to write it all down.  I've really loved seeing so many friends over the summer and I won't leave that off in the school year.  I'm planning on making several visits to USU to visit people there.  you are now forewarned and I expect a couch to be ready at my beck and call ~_^  I really can't wait to grow from real life experience, and giving real life a little taste of me.

cell phone

Yes, I finally caved in and bought one.  I now have a bright shiney t-mobile samsung T309 cell phone.  The number is 801-867-5505, and I have a bunch of texts, so I'll probably be calling/messaging people within the next few days.
Call me!