This is a few bits and pieces of a rant that's been going on in my head for the past several weeks so you'll have to forgive me if it's a little weird and doesn't make the slightest bit of sense.
I really haven't been feeling well for the past couple of weeks. I've been spending so much time and energy on my homework and after school activities that it's been draining me of all the energy and life I have left. It's a constant struggle for me to resist the urge to throw up my hands and say I can't do it anymore. I don't want to quit, it's not like me to give up on anything when I've set my mind to it. There are a few things however that I'm having trouble holding onto. I feel like I'm drifting apart from every single person I've ever had the privilege to call my friend and I'm powerless to stop it. Every time I'm near any of them I get the immpresion that I'm just another accessory, that I used to be fun but now, like a childhood toy, everyone's too old and mature to busy themselves with the likes of me. I'm not a child, I have responsibilitys that a lot of parents don't have and I deal with them. Who knows, my childlike attitude may just be my way of coping.
*sighs* I hate pity in every form, self inflicted or otherwise and I hate what it does to people. I realize that all I'm doing right now is having a big pity party and that tomorrow I will probably be completely fine and will probably scold myself for being such a baby, but it still doesn't change how I feel now.
I've never seriously considered suicide or self mutilation as a way of ridding myself of my problems and never will. Maybe I'm just too selfish or self serving and just can't see what's in it for me, maybe I'm scared of taking that much control of my life, but it will never happen. Yet even with that knowledge I still wonder what would happen if I did. Would anyone even notice, or more realistically, would anyone, after coming to my funeral, comforting my family and having their fill of potluck, even think about me after that? If I were to get in a car accident would anyone come visit me in the hospital, hoping I might wake up? How long would it be before only my family comes? How long before my parents finally decide to "pull the plug" as I'll never wake up?
This is never going to come to anything, I'll be fine tomorrow, and as no one is even going to read this I'm ending it before the gaping whole in my chest is big enough to drive a car through.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Tuesday, March 9, 2004
So, this is me
I thought I'd start out my Journal with a little quiz that was sent to me via e-mail.
************* YOU ***************
1. What is your full name? Anna Lei McPherson (My friends call me Ani)
2. Birthday : Oct 23
3. Age: 16
4. Gender: Female
5. Social security: I feel like I'm being interrogated
6. Where do you live? Utah
7. What school do you attend? Lone Peak High
8. Siblings ? 9, Me, Shelli, Kaiti, Kyli, Daniel, Joseph, Samuel, Miri and Thomas.
9. Pets: 1 Dog, 3 Cats, 2 Birds, and the 9 Sheep that are on my desktop http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Way/9096/index2.htm
10. Zodiac Sign: Scorpio or Libra (my birthday borders both of them)
11. Righty or Lefty: Righty
*********YOUR LOOKS*********
12. Hair color: Blonde
13. Eye color: Green-hazel (they change depending on what I'm wearing or what mood I'm in)
14. height: 5,4
15. Do u wear contacts or glasses? Contacts
16. Do you have any piercing? In my ears
17. Where do you want more if you do? Don't want any more
18. Do you have a tattoo? Only the pen kind (I have a habit of drawing on my hands and arms)
19. If so what and where? *looks up* whatever I feel like drawing although it's most often eyes
20. Do you wear any rings? My CTR ring and my Sweet 16 ring
21. Do you have a certain fashion you follow? It's not the usual one I can tell you that
**********JUST LATELY***************
23. How are you today? Amused by my sheep
24. What pants are you wearing right now? Swishy Navy blue ones
25. What shirt are you wearing right now? My American Studies sweatshirt
26. What shoes are you wearing right now? I don't wear shoes when I'm at my computer
27. What does your hair look like at the moment? It's fwoofie
28. What song are u listening to right now? The little songs on my siblings computer games
30. How is the weather right now? It's nice... but kinda dark
31. Last person you talked to on the phone? My dad asking him to get me food
32. Last Dream you can remember? I rarely remember my dreams
33. Who are you talking to right now? My sister Shelli who's asking my advice on a paper she's writing
34. What time is it? 7:00
*********More about YOU!**************
35. What are the last four digits of your phone number? Ok, now I feel like I'm being stalked
36. If u were a crayon, what color would you be? I'd be one of those multi-color ones that change color as you draw with it
37. Have you ever almost died? only when I saw how long this quiz was
38. Do u like the person that sent u this? Of course
39. How do u eat an Oreo? There's a method to it?!?! I'm doomed!
40. Who's your best friend? I think the term "best" friend is degrading. I have lots of friends and wouldn't want to sell myself short of their friendships by favoring one over the other
41. What's the next CD you are going to buy? A blank one so I can make my own CD
42. What's the best advice ever given to you? Never eat anything Lou wouldn't eat (and even then use caution)
43. Have u ever won any special award? I won the Best Ani award ^^;
44. Worst sickness u ever had? The 24 hour flu at Disneyland over Christmas break. My whole family caught it and we spent half our vacation heaving all over Disneyland (we went home early)
45. What's the stupidest thing you've ever done? Broke a promise to one of my friends
46. If u could change one thing about yourself what would it be and why? If I could stop procrastinating
47. Where do you shop the most? Wal-mart, DI and Kholers
48. How many kids do you want to have? If I decide that now I know I'm not going to have that amount
49. Sons name? Tobias, Caden
50. Daughter's name? Tiana, Calista (what can I say, I like original names)
51. Do you do drugs? ... only when I'm sick O_o
52. Do you drink? I love liquid
53. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use? A generic Costco brand ^^;
54. What sport do you hate the most? basketball
55. What are you most scared of? Misunderstandings
56. How many TV's do you have in your house? 3
57. Do you have your own? *sniffles* nope
58. Do you have your own phone line? *sighs* once again no
59. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Well my cat sleeps with me once in a while...
60. Have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone? Nope, I have my mom's bones of steel
61. Who do you dream about? My friends, my family, random dream people
62. Who do you tell your dreams to? Anyone who will listen when I actually have one to tell
63. Who's the loudest friend you have? ...All of them
64. Who's the quietest friend? I don't think my friends count as quiet
65. Is cheerleading a sport? Only if smiling and acting like a snob is a sport
66. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? 2-5 usually I lick it, then take a bite, lick it, then take a bite, etc. It doesn't last very long that way
67. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Chicken
************YOU and LOVE**************
68. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Lots of them, but none that I'm "going out" with
69. Do you have a crush? Not at this moment
70. Who is your crush? *looks up*
71. Did you send this to your crush?*looks up and wonders when this string of questions is going to end*
72. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Somewhere I've never been.
73. Have you already planned out your wedding? No and I laugh at some of my friends who have everything about their wedding planned except for the groom
74. Do you find yourself attractive? ... is this a trick question
75. Do you find yourself ugly? ... *looks up*
76. Do others find you attractive? No clue
**************ON GUYS FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT (for girls only)*********
*as a side note I'm only filling this part out as I was ordered too*
77. Boxers or briefs?... moving on
78. Curly or straight hair? Straight
79. Tall or short? medium
80. Six pack or muscular arms? You mean I can't have both?
81. Good or bad guys? Good guys
82. Hat or no hat? If it's a cool hat then yes
83. tan or no tan? Tans are bad for your skin
84. Dimples or not? Depends on the guy
85. Stubble or neatly shaven? neatly shaven
86. What sport should he play? He should be in drama
87. Sandals or shoes? shoes
88. Dark or light hair? Again, depends on the guy
89. Dark, light, or crazy cool eyes? Cool eyes
90. Accent or no accent: Accent all the way!
91. Glasses: Sun glasses ^^;
92. Shy or outgoing: outgoing
93. Funny or always cool: Funny
*94-108 deleted as I am not male and did not want to answer the other questions*
***********Pick One: THIS OR THAT**********
109. Lights on/off? On, it's much harder to read people's minds when I can't see them
110. sun or rain? Rain (you just can't beat that rainy smell)
111. Mickey D's (McDonalds) or BK (Burger King)? Burger King (I don't trust McDonalds)
112. Do u like scary or happy movies better? Happy ^^; A good scare is always fun but give me a comedy any day
113. Backstreet Boys or NSYNC? *pictured herself screaming like a fangirl and shudders* neither
114. On the phone or in person? In person, emotions are easier to read that way
115. Paper or plastic? Hm... What would Bush choose?
116. Sausage or pepperoni? Both ^^;
117. Summer or winter? Winter, you can always put more clothing on
118. Hershey's Hugs or kisses? Hugs Pure chocolate goodness in two delicious flavors ^^;
119. Chocolate or white milk? White
120. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper? Root beer
121. Glass half full or half empty? Depends on if I've just poured stuff into the glass or poured stuff out of it
122. Tape or DVD? DVD all the way
123. Cats or Dog? Just one dog?
124. Mud or Jell-O wrestling? They have Jell-O wrestling?!?! SW33T!
125. Vanilla or Chocolate? Vanilla for ice cream, otherwise Milk chocolate is the only way to go 126. Skiing or Boarding: As I've never done either of them...
127. Day or night: Night
128. Cake or pie? Cake
129. Sunset or sunrise: Sunset
****************Your FADS****************
130. Color: Blue
131. food: Just about anything edible (I'll try anything once)
132. Fast Food? Arbys
133. Candy? Chewie spree
134 .Beverage? Shirley Temple (strawberry sprite)
135. Ice Cream Flavor? Vanilla with chocolate and caramel
136. Sport? Volleyball or soccer
137. Animal? African wild dog (my furry persona)
138. number? 5
139. Radio Station? Anything that's on when I get into the car
140. Band? If they play swing, I'm a fan
141. Fav. Actor or Actress? *Bows* me and my friends
142. Fav. day of the year? Christmas
143. Fav. month? August
144. Tv show? Who's line is it anyways
145. Store? DI and Wal-mart
146. Scent? Vanilla
147. Teacher? I like most of my teachers although there are those few... *CoughTeusherCough*
148. Board Game? Catch phrase, Imagine if
149. Saying?
**************HAVE you EVER**************
150. Drank? Yes I'm very fond of water myself ^^;
151. Ever gotten dumped? In order to be dumped you have to be "picked up"
152. Broke the law? *glances around sheepishly* ... No...
153. Ran from the cops? *looks up*
154. Stole something? Well not necessarily stole, things tend to migrate to my room over time (particularly anything shiney)
155. Run away? Yup, but then I got bored as no one was out looking for me
156. Eaten a bug? Not on purpose
157. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? That sort of thing doesn't work well on my parents (although I have tried it before and almost succeeded)
******One a Final Note***********
158. Do you like filling these out? Yup, I like reading them too
159. How many people are you sending this to? I'm posting it instead of sending it so people can read it of their own free will (BTW if anyone wants the original copy with the blank questions I'd be happy to oblige)
160. Do u want your friends to write back? It might be kind of hard for them to do so but sure
161. who is least likely to respond? Anyone who doesn't read it ^^;
162. Who is most likely to respond? Depends on who's the most bored
163. What is the first thing that comes to mind? This is a freaking long quiz
164. What time is it now? 8:40
Well, thats me, and if you lived through that and read it all you have amazing will power. Go you!!
************* YOU ***************
1. What is your full name? Anna Lei McPherson (My friends call me Ani)
2. Birthday : Oct 23
3. Age: 16
4. Gender: Female
5. Social security: I feel like I'm being interrogated
6. Where do you live? Utah
7. What school do you attend? Lone Peak High
8. Siblings ? 9, Me, Shelli, Kaiti, Kyli, Daniel, Joseph, Samuel, Miri and Thomas.
9. Pets: 1 Dog, 3 Cats, 2 Birds, and the 9 Sheep that are on my desktop http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Way/9096/index2.htm
10. Zodiac Sign: Scorpio or Libra (my birthday borders both of them)
11. Righty or Lefty: Righty
*********YOUR LOOKS*********
12. Hair color: Blonde
13. Eye color: Green-hazel (they change depending on what I'm wearing or what mood I'm in)
14. height: 5,4
15. Do u wear contacts or glasses? Contacts
16. Do you have any piercing? In my ears
17. Where do you want more if you do? Don't want any more
18. Do you have a tattoo? Only the pen kind (I have a habit of drawing on my hands and arms)
19. If so what and where? *looks up* whatever I feel like drawing although it's most often eyes
20. Do you wear any rings? My CTR ring and my Sweet 16 ring
21. Do you have a certain fashion you follow? It's not the usual one I can tell you that
**********JUST LATELY***************
23. How are you today? Amused by my sheep
24. What pants are you wearing right now? Swishy Navy blue ones
25. What shirt are you wearing right now? My American Studies sweatshirt
26. What shoes are you wearing right now? I don't wear shoes when I'm at my computer
27. What does your hair look like at the moment? It's fwoofie
28. What song are u listening to right now? The little songs on my siblings computer games
30. How is the weather right now? It's nice... but kinda dark
31. Last person you talked to on the phone? My dad asking him to get me food
32. Last Dream you can remember? I rarely remember my dreams
33. Who are you talking to right now? My sister Shelli who's asking my advice on a paper she's writing
34. What time is it? 7:00
*********More about YOU!**************
35. What are the last four digits of your phone number? Ok, now I feel like I'm being stalked
36. If u were a crayon, what color would you be? I'd be one of those multi-color ones that change color as you draw with it
37. Have you ever almost died? only when I saw how long this quiz was
38. Do u like the person that sent u this? Of course
39. How do u eat an Oreo? There's a method to it?!?! I'm doomed!
40. Who's your best friend? I think the term "best" friend is degrading. I have lots of friends and wouldn't want to sell myself short of their friendships by favoring one over the other
41. What's the next CD you are going to buy? A blank one so I can make my own CD
42. What's the best advice ever given to you? Never eat anything Lou wouldn't eat (and even then use caution)
43. Have u ever won any special award? I won the Best Ani award ^^;
44. Worst sickness u ever had? The 24 hour flu at Disneyland over Christmas break. My whole family caught it and we spent half our vacation heaving all over Disneyland (we went home early)
45. What's the stupidest thing you've ever done? Broke a promise to one of my friends
46. If u could change one thing about yourself what would it be and why? If I could stop procrastinating
47. Where do you shop the most? Wal-mart, DI and Kholers
48. How many kids do you want to have? If I decide that now I know I'm not going to have that amount
49. Sons name? Tobias, Caden
50. Daughter's name? Tiana, Calista (what can I say, I like original names)
51. Do you do drugs? ... only when I'm sick O_o
52. Do you drink? I love liquid
53. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use? A generic Costco brand ^^;
54. What sport do you hate the most? basketball
55. What are you most scared of? Misunderstandings
56. How many TV's do you have in your house? 3
57. Do you have your own? *sniffles* nope
58. Do you have your own phone line? *sighs* once again no
59. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Well my cat sleeps with me once in a while...
60. Have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone? Nope, I have my mom's bones of steel
61. Who do you dream about? My friends, my family, random dream people
62. Who do you tell your dreams to? Anyone who will listen when I actually have one to tell
63. Who's the loudest friend you have? ...All of them
64. Who's the quietest friend? I don't think my friends count as quiet
65. Is cheerleading a sport? Only if smiling and acting like a snob is a sport
66. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? 2-5 usually I lick it, then take a bite, lick it, then take a bite, etc. It doesn't last very long that way
67. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Chicken
************YOU and LOVE**************
68. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Lots of them, but none that I'm "going out" with
69. Do you have a crush? Not at this moment
70. Who is your crush? *looks up*
71. Did you send this to your crush?*looks up and wonders when this string of questions is going to end*
72. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Somewhere I've never been.
73. Have you already planned out your wedding? No and I laugh at some of my friends who have everything about their wedding planned except for the groom
74. Do you find yourself attractive? ... is this a trick question
75. Do you find yourself ugly? ... *looks up*
76. Do others find you attractive? No clue
**************ON GUYS FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT (for girls only)*********
*as a side note I'm only filling this part out as I was ordered too*
77. Boxers or briefs?... moving on
78. Curly or straight hair? Straight
79. Tall or short? medium
80. Six pack or muscular arms? You mean I can't have both?
81. Good or bad guys? Good guys
82. Hat or no hat? If it's a cool hat then yes
83. tan or no tan? Tans are bad for your skin
84. Dimples or not? Depends on the guy
85. Stubble or neatly shaven? neatly shaven
86. What sport should he play? He should be in drama
87. Sandals or shoes? shoes
88. Dark or light hair? Again, depends on the guy
89. Dark, light, or crazy cool eyes? Cool eyes
90. Accent or no accent: Accent all the way!
91. Glasses: Sun glasses ^^;
92. Shy or outgoing: outgoing
93. Funny or always cool: Funny
*94-108 deleted as I am not male and did not want to answer the other questions*
***********Pick One: THIS OR THAT**********
109. Lights on/off? On, it's much harder to read people's minds when I can't see them
110. sun or rain? Rain (you just can't beat that rainy smell)
111. Mickey D's (McDonalds) or BK (Burger King)? Burger King (I don't trust McDonalds)
112. Do u like scary or happy movies better? Happy ^^; A good scare is always fun but give me a comedy any day
113. Backstreet Boys or NSYNC? *pictured herself screaming like a fangirl and shudders* neither
114. On the phone or in person? In person, emotions are easier to read that way
115. Paper or plastic? Hm... What would Bush choose?
116. Sausage or pepperoni? Both ^^;
117. Summer or winter? Winter, you can always put more clothing on
118. Hershey's Hugs or kisses? Hugs Pure chocolate goodness in two delicious flavors ^^;
119. Chocolate or white milk? White
120. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper? Root beer
121. Glass half full or half empty? Depends on if I've just poured stuff into the glass or poured stuff out of it
122. Tape or DVD? DVD all the way
123. Cats or Dog? Just one dog?
124. Mud or Jell-O wrestling? They have Jell-O wrestling?!?! SW33T!
125. Vanilla or Chocolate? Vanilla for ice cream, otherwise Milk chocolate is the only way to go 126. Skiing or Boarding: As I've never done either of them...
127. Day or night: Night
128. Cake or pie? Cake
129. Sunset or sunrise: Sunset
****************Your FADS****************
130. Color: Blue
131. food: Just about anything edible (I'll try anything once)
132. Fast Food? Arbys
133. Candy? Chewie spree
134 .Beverage? Shirley Temple (strawberry sprite)
135. Ice Cream Flavor? Vanilla with chocolate and caramel
136. Sport? Volleyball or soccer
137. Animal? African wild dog (my furry persona)
138. number? 5
139. Radio Station? Anything that's on when I get into the car
140. Band? If they play swing, I'm a fan
141. Fav. Actor or Actress? *Bows* me and my friends
142. Fav. day of the year? Christmas
143. Fav. month? August
144. Tv show? Who's line is it anyways
145. Store? DI and Wal-mart
146. Scent? Vanilla
147. Teacher? I like most of my teachers although there are those few... *CoughTeusherCough*
148. Board Game? Catch phrase, Imagine if
149. Saying?
**************HAVE you EVER**************
150. Drank? Yes I'm very fond of water myself ^^;
151. Ever gotten dumped? In order to be dumped you have to be "picked up"
152. Broke the law? *glances around sheepishly* ... No...
153. Ran from the cops? *looks up*
154. Stole something? Well not necessarily stole, things tend to migrate to my room over time (particularly anything shiney)
155. Run away? Yup, but then I got bored as no one was out looking for me
156. Eaten a bug? Not on purpose
157. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? That sort of thing doesn't work well on my parents (although I have tried it before and almost succeeded)
******One a Final Note***********
158. Do you like filling these out? Yup, I like reading them too
159. How many people are you sending this to? I'm posting it instead of sending it so people can read it of their own free will (BTW if anyone wants the original copy with the blank questions I'd be happy to oblige)
160. Do u want your friends to write back? It might be kind of hard for them to do so but sure
161. who is least likely to respond? Anyone who doesn't read it ^^;
162. Who is most likely to respond? Depends on who's the most bored
163. What is the first thing that comes to mind? This is a freaking long quiz
164. What time is it now? 8:40
Well, thats me, and if you lived through that and read it all you have amazing will power. Go you!!
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