I'm sick of this.

 

Well it’s certainly been a long time since I’ve bothered to update this.  Unfortunately my need to rant supersedes my need to fill everyone in on my life over the past few months, so I’ll add life details later.

I’m sick and tired of games in relationships.  I don’t get them, can’t play them, and get way too stressed out by them.  I am completely confident in all but one area of my life – I can do anything, and am sure I can handle anything that comes up – except in the relationship aspect. 

I have no problem making and keeping friends.  I love people and am fairly accepting of others and their relative stages of life, but the instant any issues of “liking” come into play, on my part or theirs, I’m a complete and total mess.  I’ve done everything I can think of to combat this in myself, but nothing seems to work.  Ever since 7^th grade I’ve had people close to me who play the game so effortlessly, and I can’t seem to figure out what’s going on.  I have friends who were more experienced in dating at 16 than I am now, and I just don’t get it.  I’m not a horrible catch, quite the contrary.  I know I have talents and I know I’m accomplished in a bunch of areas, so why do I have problems meeting even one guy who recognizes and appreciates it?

The guys I meet as of late fall into one of two categories – The ones who would never be interested in dating me or the ones who are only interested in how I could satisfy them, and I’m not that kind of a person.  I care too much about people and have my emotions linked too closely with physicality to be a one night stand type of girl.  I just can’t shake that, no matter how much I’ve wanted to, especially now that my restrictions are all personally, rather than externally enforced.

The only guy I came close to dating essentially used me and pushed me beyond my limits till he was satisfied, and then I didn’t hear from him for a week.  When I was finally able to talk to him he kicked me to the curb with a smile and a “lets just be friends” and such has only heightened my insecurities. 

And now a similar circumstance has come up and I’m just waiting.  Hoping he won’t do the same, but preparing myself for another let down.  Another bit of abuse by someone I called a friend.  And if the same does happen I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it.  I’m trying so hard to do my best.  To trust someone with the ability to break my heart, hoping that someone can prove to me that people are as kind, decent, and amazing as I’ve always believed they are. 

I’m not asking for much.  I’m not even asking for a relationship.  I’m just asking that he talks to me.  If it’s a Nicmo, ok.  Fine.  I can deal with that and be perfectly happy, with no negative feelings and no baggage on either side.  I can be whatever he wants me to be.  But I can’t stand another week with no word.  Another week of silence, and another week that makes me question myself and who I am in a way that nothing else can.  I didn’t deserve it the first time and I certainly don’t deserve it now.

Address!!!

And now, to prove I moved out...

568 W. 1428 S. 
Orem, Ut 84058

Feel free to come visit me!

Moved Out!

I actually did it! I am officially moved out! I now live in the Pinnacle Canyon View apartments in orem (Right behind the wal*mart off University Pkwy) and so far I'm enjoying it. My roomates are great and its close enough for me to walk to school, which is nice. I still have to transfer for work (I'm still working in sandy until further notice) and I don't have a computer set up there, which is driving me crazy, but those are my only gripes currently. As soon as I find out my address I'll let people know.

Voice Post

Voice Post

Long time no see.

Wow, I'm sorry.  Things have been crazy and life is just sort of messed up right now, and I haven't had the time to rant about it for a while.  As such, this post may be a little scatterbrained.
I need to get out of this rut.  My sleep schedule is so screwed up I don't know when to sleep anymore, and when I do it's in my car.  I haven't exercised in who knows when, and I've lost about 10 lbs in the past three weeks, and it's not healthy weight either.  My neck and back are so full of knots from work and carrying my backpack and textbooks that I've lost my full range of motion for my arms, not by much, but still.  I just want some time to eat healthy, go to the gym for a little each day, and to wake up early after a full night's sleep.  Way too much to ask right now.
I am so ready to be done with school.  This year went by faster than High school did, but I think that might have something to do with the lack of "just get me outta this place" mentality I had my senior year.  Working roughly 30 hours, plus 15 credits (= 30 hours of suggested homework time), plus about 10 hours a week just in driving, and I'm frazzled.   
I had a small breakdown today about failing all my classes, which was only helped by my health teacher.  She's someone I can't stand most of the time.  She teaches what she believes instead of what the textbook says, and we've often battled over facts in front of the entire class.  Today however, she earned new devotion in my eyes.  Today we reviewed for her final by going through it all, with her telling us the right answers, and she allowed the class to take the final right after that review.  I nearly kissed her.
So now I have one final that I have an A on, and only 4 to go.
I've given up all hope of passing math.  I'm not math-minded and I never will be. If there's even a bit of english involved, I have no worries, but math...Moving on.
I don't even want to talk about my love life right now.  It's a sick, twisted mess and I should be shot just so it doesn't continue.  I'm sorry to all those, Aubrey in particular, who have been present over the past little while as I've ranted/gushed about it.
I really miss people. I haven't had much time to think about it as of late, but there are so many people I've neglected.  I want to change that.  I'm working this summer, but that's about it.  I want to spend time with everyone, so if you're ever in need of a partner in crime, give me a holla!
I'm way excited for Addison and JD to come home.  It's been way too long.  Oh, and there's supposed to be a welcome home party for Addison sometime soon, so I'll try and get that info out ASAP
Gnar...

Drama

There is a risk in reading this post. I know that in saying that the readership will, if anything, go up, but I have to voice what I feel. I sincerly hope anyone isn't offended. 


I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I just got in contact with my cousin Hannah again. For those of you who don't know, she and I used to be the closest of cousins. We shared eveything from music tastes to secrets and she was there for me in bad times. And yet, even at those times when she was rigidly religious and always perfect, I was unsure what would happen. You know how you can just tell with some people? you know they're going to grow up and be brilliant and happy. They have such confidance in themselves and others and a genuine love of life and you know that however many waves crash over them they'll bob right up to the surface with a grin on their face. I never felt that about Hannah. Despite how much I loved her and despite how much I wished it was true, I never expected that for her. I wish I could say it wasn't so. 
After some major family complications her parents divorced - and not just in a civil "let's just go our separate ways", oh no. They're family was torn apart.  I'm not placing blame for any of it, but it shattered their lives.  My Uncle Rob married a nice girl and they live in this podunkville town, and he seems to be really happy. The rest of the family was not so lucky.  My aunt Rachel, now with custody of the kids (who, excepting the youngest and only boy, ben, refuse to have anything to do with their dad) moved them to Wyoming to be with her family, where she met a trucker and married him. I'd like to say that everything went well, but then, what would be the point of the story? My aunt rachel, her four daughters and one son moved into her new husband's trailer with him, his daughters(I'm not sure how many) and son.  Needless to say they seperated soon after that, except my then 16 year old cousin Naomi, who married her brother in law.  Her birth father didn't hear about the wedding until a week after, due to a casual comment by Ben on one of their visits.  My heart broke for her.
Since that time my contact with their family has been minimal.  It appeared as if they had dropped off the face of the earth.  I would heat brief news about their declineing health, and Hannah's proposed move back to salt lake, but that was about it until now.  Hannah managed to earn enough to buy a laptop and contacted me a few days ago.  My head is now spinning. My Hannah has changed, which I suppose is to be expected.  How could I possibly imagine that she'd remain the sweet innocent girl I once knew.  The one who used to pretend that a flock of faries lived in the bush under our window.  Who thought even the word "crap" was a swear word never to be uttered.  Who used to giggle with me over cute guys we'd seen while walking.  Who used to love reading scriptures with our two families.
That girl has been gone for a while.  I'm still trying to adjust to the new one.  My family, particularly my parents, laugh at her and her family, vindictively saying that they got what they asked for.  They are on the side of my uncle, he being my dad's brother, and care not for the people who hurt him.  And I don't know what I feel.
I suppose I reject the idea of judgement as I don't want to be judged myself.  All those years ago when we were close both of us were so into our faith and our goals, both set, at least in part, by our parent's expectations, we were exactly alike.  What is it that caused such a drastic shift?  Why is it that I can be living in utah, going to church each sunday, still dress modestly, and still believe in God? I'm certainly not the most faithful of members.  I've skipped church for sleep, or debate, or to go visit friends. I pray spuratticly when I can't talk to anyone else, and I don't follow through on callings. 
I'm certainly not more special than she, so why is it that I can know so undegnyably that there is a God? That he loves me?  That I have the ability to love?  That I'm worth more than a one night stand in the back of a pickup?  That no matter what, I know everything will work out for the best?
Strangely, these types of occurances increase as I get older.  I've met, loved, and or understood so many people like Hannah as of late.  People who are wonderful beautiful people who have so much going for them, but are missing something. Hope? Faith? It's almost the quality that makes their soul 3D.  That makes them stand out.  It doesn't seem to matter if you're LDS or not, but just knowing that there is a God alters people in a way that I can't hope to explain.
I'm really getting sick of seeing so many people who are dead to that.  Who live solely in a 2D plane of lust, lazyness, and greed. So many places I go it's like walking among Zombies.  I know that's cliche to an extreme, but there is some truth there. And I don't know what to do now.  Do I continue with my life, dealing with people like my cousin, loving them but shuddering inspite of myself?  Do I alienate them all, distancing myself from them in favor of the memories of childlike innocence?
Where do I go from here?

Umm...I dyed my hair again...and I'm tired and bored of homework.


I'm really getting too excited about being able to take and post pictures at will.

Yup, needless to say Aubrey and I were bored and didn't want to go to class.

Lalalalala!

Yay! So far so good.

I know my saying so gets a bit redundant, but life is crazy as of late (Aubrey and Bethany can attest).

I'm finally starting to get the hang of work, school, and no sleep, and I'm not sure that's a good thing.  Umm... I went to go visit Cameron and Richard at Utah State with Bethany last Friday, which was really enjoyable^^; Bethany and I rocked out to her awesome music, which I really need to steal some of ASAP*  We played risk, which is the first time I've done such in real life, and talked and ete and it was all just amazing.  I also played with Andy and Cody a lot, which is always a bit of an adventure.  
I'm still having trouble dealing/processing the fact that so many people I know are getting married right now.  Grady and her guy (who I still have to hear about from her), Katie and Josh, Nichole and Ryan, just to name a few.  I don't know quite how I feel about it.  I mean, I'm so happy for them and I'm sure they'll do wondefully, but it's still kind of scary.  I'm at the point where I want a relationship,but not a proposal.  



*Note.  I am in the process of putting together a bunch of new cds.  My dad just got me a nice MP3 player for my car and I'm doing mood Cds(like dancehappy, sad, hyper, lonely, love, etc.), which I am so incredibly excited about.  The only problem is I don't have all that much in the way of accesible music as most of mine was erased when our server crashed a little while ago.  Also, I don't have much in the way of new music or little known songs, so if any of you could help me out that'd be wonderful!  I'm looking for cds I can borrow/copy, or artists/specific songs that all y'all enjoy.

2006 & 2007

2006 in review

Firsts-

*First time at college.
*First time going to church without my family.
*First single’s ward.
*First kiss.
*First friend married.
*First cell phone (which is now working again!).
*First coaching job.
*First experience with drunks (I live a sheltered life).
*First college debate tournament.
*First time pulling anything out of my shirt for a speech.
*First all nighter for school.
*First good paying job.
*First myspace account.
*First time sleeping at an airport.
*First debit card.
*First time ordering something online
*First car.
*First time on an inversion table.
*First time getting stuck in the mud and being unable to get out (thank you Adam and Hadley)
*First time graduating
*First jujitsu class
*First roadtrip without my family (though definitely not the last if I have anything to say about it)
*First ride in a convertible with the top down
*First time playing a Nun
*First lake trip without my family
*First 2^nd degree sunburn
*First time iceblocking
*First time river rafting
*First time falling asleep under the stars
*First time crashing a wedding reception
*First time seriously almost failing a class
*First time hugging a complete stranger on purpose
*First time eating an entire jar of maraschino cherris
*First time going to a funeral

Overall it has been a pretty good year. There are a few things that I would change, but, for the most part, I don’t think I would do anything differently. I’ve changed a lot, as is to be expected, but I’m overall happy with the changes.

And now for 2007-
Resolutions/Goals-

1.) Get my associates.
2.) Post on my various blog sites at least twice a month.
3.) Lose at least 20 pounds.
4.) Move away from home.
5.) Procrastinate less.
6.) Lie less (convince myself that it’s not worth the 20 points extra credit)
7.) Take more time just to relax with people.
8.) Keep a job for more than a year.
9.) Give hugs more frequently.
10.) Write letters to people on time and send them on time.
11.) Cross at least 5 more things off my life goals list.

We’ll see how I do.

I seek forgiveness!

Looking over my journal recently I realized that I haven’t really posted here since October. That, my friends, is sad. This must be changed. Following up with my new year’s resolutions, I’m posting once again.

Updates

-School

Not ready to be back yet. I managed to pull off fairly decent, though not entirely satisfactual grades for last term, and I’m both upset and relieved to be done with such. This term I’m taking 18 credit hours (= 6 classes) that I’m pretty sure will keep me rather busy. I start at 8AM and go till 5:15PM with one break in the middle, which may soon be taken up by debate meetings. I’ll say this much for having a small team, it does make scheduling a lot easier. The classes are;

Math-I just hope I survive. I really don’t dislike math, it’s just that I generally don’t understand it, (which is due both to me not taking classes and to having bad teachers when I did take it) and that causes a general aversion towards it. Fortunately, I think this class should be better than previous ones with more dedicated classmates, which will help a bunch.

Biology- Should be tolerable. I was overjoyed today when Aubrey and I met about 10ft from the classroom door and found out we had the same class. It is, as of yet, the only class I have a friend in, though I have a few acquaintances in other classes.

Physical Sciences- I don’t know yet. I’m hoping the teacher proves to be as distractable as he was in class today. On the plus side, he tells jokes whenever he thinks we’re glassing over.

Health- If that woman says "OK?" one more time I’m gona kill her.

Criminal Justice- should be a pretty interesting class, and a good base for lawschool.

English- Thanks to Woolsey, I will be brilliant in this class. It’s a literature class that’s going to be about 1/10th the work and difficulty of lit with her. I’m going to be able to BS my way to an A no problem.

With debate as an extra curricular, I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it all.

-Work

I am no longer working at Kid’s Korner (thank goodness!) It was a rather bitter end, but I am really glad I quit when I did. I now work at the Costco in Sandy, and I’m very happy with it. The shifts are a little long, with 8 ½ hours being the usual, but they give a bunch of breaks and the pay is better than just about anywhere else. I was working seasonal in the Bakery, but they hired me back and now I work in the Deli MWFS. If you’re in that area on those days feel free to stop by and pay me a visit. The only downside is that I’m working in a cooler, but I’m getting used to it. I’ll most likely be moving to either the AF or Orem Costco as soon as my 90 day probation is up. Which one I do move to largely depends on when I move out, which is scheduled for either this summer or fall depending on how finances and other variables go. I already have a place set up, which would cost me $200 a month in rent and utilities, and is relatively close by school, but I haven’t worked up the nerve to just get up and move yet. I’m rather attached to my free room and board, but gas prices are really driving me crazy (no pun intended).

Christmas break was lovely. I got to see a whole bunch of people I love and miss, though I missed a few others (Jenn, we will so hang out soon, perhaps one day after work when I’m already almost there). Christmas was chaotic as usual, with my extended family partying at my house on Christmas eve, then opening presents and then lazing about the house on Christmas. This year wasn’t as lazy as usual though, as santa brought DDR, but the sight of my dad challenging Thomas-my 4 year old brother-was well worth it. I also got a camera, all the better to show my latest change. 

Yes, it’s red. Really red. Katie Berry dyed it for me the other day and I’m still getting used to it. It’s been a rather fun change though. I think it’s the darkest my hair has ever been.

Yupyupyup.

More later as I think of it.