fAng: I'm going to Disneyland!

Well, I'm going away for a while. My parents informed us Christmas morning that we would be going on a vacation to Disneyland, LA, and Mexico (although not in that order) and I'm still not over the shock of it even though we're leaving tomorrow. We'll be gone until January 4th (probably fairly late) leaving me with no time whatsoever to do my ID's for American Studies(which I haven't even started yet). Hopefully I'll survive through the encounter (8 days with only my family and no way to access the Internet), and live to bring everyone lovely souvenirs for belated Christmas/New years presents.

Well it's getting late and I still have lots more packing to do,
See you all later!
fAng

Howdy!

Ok, I'm giving myself a nickname! It's mole!!! I acquired this nickname from volleyball and thought if fit the occasion. If you have anything to say about it, please do, if you have any other suggestions as to what my nickname should be, please state it! If not, my name is Mole!

Wow, everyone's life has gotten busy and crazy! Well, can I join the club? Everything seems to be out of control...and that doesn't work very well seeing as how I am a control freak and need to know everything!

Ok, There is a solution to my moving problem. If I happen, by some miracle, to get a lead in the musical, I can stay the rest of the school year. I would probably be staying with Mike Romney! But, that's only if I, unlikely, get a lead in the play!

Well, talk to ya all lata. Luv ya all!

Mole (AKA: Alyssa)

sad but true, I have no life.

Ok, for starters...ANI, YOU ARE CRAZY!!!!!!! You are a major part of what's kept the "group" together! You have never hurt anyone! Never blackmailed, never done any of those things! And you sqirming secrets out of people, well, secrets have to come out sometime, and inside i'm sure the person you're getting it out of is actually relieved you want to know! Second, You are sooooo talented! You can draw better than me!!! You are a great friend!! and...YOU ARE A GREAT ACTRESS!!!!!!!! I dont know what you are thinking, but you've got the wrong idea! I LOVE YOU, ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT!!!

next, if anyone feels like their less involved in the "group" it's me. Ok, you all went to HIGH SCHOOL!! I'm still at the Jr. High! I hardly talk to any of you, and you are all better than me at acting, drawing, talking, vocabulary, school, friendship, I could go on, but it's just self degrating. I love you all, but life isn't the same, we all need to realize change happens, and whether it's for the worst of the better, we still need to be honest! If your opinion changes about someone, tell them. Trust me, they want to know!

Thirdly, well, as for my life...I dont' know what purpose it serves. The one person I like, in over 6 months, tells me he likes me, and then tells me he doesn't! But that's ok! I got way in over my head...if it weren't for you Ani, I don't know where I'd be. Talking to you gave me some insight! Made me think about it, and you gave me the guts to ask if he really did! Guess what his answer was...no. He is head over heals for this other girl....nevermind, i'll stop talking about that!

And as for now, I'm leaving you. I'm going to go up to my room, cry my eyes out, and either write a poem, which i haven't done in forever, and seem to not be able to do, or i'm going to sleep.

bye

fang: I don't know why I even bother

I'm not really in a very good mood right now. I don't know wether it's from a lack of sleep or an overabundance of paint fumes (I'm getting really sick of all of this housework). My brain is so muddled right now that I have no idea what to do and am sure that more that half of this will be unrelated to the other and only understood by me (if that) So therefore I am going to use up this perfectly good space and get all of my rants and laments out in the open.

*sighs*

Item one.
Over the past few months (pretty much since school started) I've noticed how everyone seems to be changing. I don't know wether it's just that most of us are in high school now or what, but there has been a drastic change in the group we had. I'm not excluding myself from that, I too seem to have been caught up in the "high school mentality" and to be honest it scares me to death. I'm so scared of losing all of you. I probably just being an over dramatic prat and a chronic worry wart but I don't want things to change. Over the past few months I've been so caught up in schoolwork, housework, babysitting, debate, etc. that I feel as though, during my absence, everyone was handed out a new script or set of instructions of what to do know that the school year has begun, and I missed out on it. Everything from the "pairing off", to different clubs, to actually being able to get together on a regular basis. I'm missing it.
I love all of you so much and desperately want to be around you, but at this point I don't think I'm worthy of it. I've singlehandedly stabbed all of you in the back (through my actions and "advice") and some of you don't even realize that I've done so. I'm a childish brat with no respect for anyone's feelings but my own, I probe secrets from all of you and take fiendish delight in either revealing those secrets to others to meet my needs, or getting mad that they've been told to people other than me. I expect to be told everything about your relationships and yet somehow manage not to reveal anything about my own unless it served my purposes. I can be bought by bribery and have blackmailed all of you with something. I know I've hurt every one of you and have rejoiced at your suffering because I've gotten what I wanted out of the process.

Item two.
Over the past little while I've done quite a bit of philosophizing. Most of it has been how everyone seems so different but I have also learned a lot about myself. Needless to say I am not happy with most of what I've realized. I think I'm beginning to understand why I don't feel so much a part of any group right now. It's due to the simple fact that I haven't grown up yet. I'm just waiting till all of the people I've become acquainted with this year suddenly realize that I'm not worth their time or friendship. Truth is they would be absolutely right. I have no talent in any of the areas I used to be talented in. I didn't try out for any of the plays and will probably not try out for the musical because I know I'll never get in. I've gone into a total slump in drama and am forgetting what it was like to really act. I want to get out and have someone give me a chance to prove myself against all the other wanabes who are ten-thousand times better than me.
I had more that I wanted to say but this is just dragging on and as no one will even read this I'm ending it now.


Fang

Still Need a Nick-Name : Here I am again!

Well, I've decided I don't like being almost by myself, without contact with a lot of you, in a cruel world! I've also determined my usual state of mind...Confused! LIFE IS CONFUSING!!!

Anywho, these past few days have had their ups and downs. Nothing really note worth, but I just wanted to write!

*deep sigh* I think (new development) that I like someone! (again, new development!) I'm not sure, but I might!

School is hard! No, hard isn't the right word...painfully long and cruel and unusual punishment! I don't hate it though, just despise it with a passion! I, luckily, am getting good grades fortunately! That makes it a little better!

IT'S FINALLY THE WEEKEND!!! I actually get to sleep in! Wow, that's a first!

I miss you guys terribly! Life is just not the same without all of you. Hope to talk to you all soon. Best wishes, and may you have peace, joy, and love!

Peace out! -Alyssa

Hi!! I finally figured it out!!

Hello everyone!! I finally figured it out! I'm so happy! It's good to finally get to be tapped into everyones lives, atleast a little bit! How is everyone? How is high school??

As for me, well, I get by. Life is pretty stressful, but it's no big deal. For recent news, I am most likely moving in March, if not sooner. We have to wait for my step dad to take his licensing exam, (he is psycologist)and then we will see where we are from there. But yeah, other than that life is good. You guys should call me sometime!!! Or maybe....I'll call you!!!!!!!! Well, I hope life is good, I will be writing more, I hope, if you guys don't mind. And Aubrey, I want a nick name!!!! PLEASE??? It would make my day! Well, luv ya all, talk to ya soon. Peace out!

Alyssa

fAng: Wow! What a rush.

Last night was one of the most incredibly surreal nights I've ever experienced. When I went to do the Ethics bowl for debate, me and a few of the other debaters got tickets to go see the Grizzles game, (hockey not basketball) down at the east center. So me, Addison Stuart, and Austin Higley decided that we would go together to see the game.
Yesterday I called Addison and asked him how he was going to get a ride there. After much negotiating and certain people *cough*Andrew*cough* bailing out on giving us a ride, at the last minute Addison's parents got home and he convinced his dad to drive us. I gave Addison directions to my house (I should have let Shelli give them) and decided that I had better go wait down by the school for them just in case they didn't understand the directions I gave. After standing on the street corner for a while (in which I wrote about 5 poems) Addison's dad pulled up. Thankful to be out of the cold I climbed into the car and we headed to Austin's house.
As we were driving Addison's dad Commented on the fact that I have a slight accent *is very proud of her individuality* And was also told by Addison that I have a very pleasant voice to listen to. Finally arriving at Austin's house (which took a while as we were looking for a broken tree which actually turned out to be an evergreen with it's top sawed off.) At this point they chose to inform me that we were riding the Trax up to the east center as Addison's dad did not want to drive all the way there. I was also introduced to the world of hockey by Austin who has watched it many a time. Some examples of this great knowledge are that the "blue line" is called that A) so the Hockey players could remember it and B) because it's actually blue, that the most commonly called penalty is "Icing" (when a player illegally crosses the "blue line") and that if A hockey game lasted for 3 hours there would be no one left alive in the rink.
When we got to the Trax station and were about to buy our tickets a shock swept over us as we discovered that the ticket thing said it only took 1$ bills and change. As we were frantically trying to find enough 1$ bills to cover the fare, a man came up and commented that the machine actually would take up to 20$ bills. Confused at this we looked at the machine only to discover that it did indeed take money other that 1$ and that the sign that had the 1$ on it was for the change and that it took silver and gold dollars as well as other coins. Feeling rather sheepish, we bought our tickets (Addison wouldn't let me buy my own *grumble*) and waited for the bus to come while we observed and talked to a group of couples (and one loner *chuckles*) dressed up for preference. (I know what you're thinking Hairball) A Trax train came and they all climbed in while we waited for a bus going uptown to come. We figured out later (as we were watching the Trax car drive away in the direction we wanted to go) that we should have taken that one. So we waited for another one. During the time we were waiting Addison agreed that I could be the Italian fruit merchant of Frain. (which means that I am the advice-giver to random people on the street ^^;) Little did I know at the time that I would be exercising my position so soon.
When we got on the bus and it started moving, all three of us realized that we had no clue what exit to get off at. Fortunately I had taken matters into my own hands and had gotten at least partial directions down to the east center from my dad before I left. As they were written in my notebook (which I had out at the time as I was putting the finishing touched on one of the poems I wrote) I looked at them and discerned from the map of all the stops which one we needed to go to (at which point I was deemed official navigator). Using those we managed to get as close to the east center as we could using the Trax.
After we got off our fearless leader (Addison) decided we should ride a bus the rest of the way, even though we were about an hour late for the game and figured that it would be over anyways by the time we got there.
While we were on the bus we joked over the fact that we were absolutely defenseless in the case of anyone trying to attack us. Austin tried to prove otherwise so both he and Addison started to crack their knuckles in a threatening way as I sat there and laughed at them. To our surprise the guy sitting behind us told them that cracking his knuckles was the reason why he got arthritis in his fingers and if they knew what was good for them they wouldn't do it either. At this Austin, in his typical debate fashion, proceeded to disagree with this guy while Addison and I were whispering to him to shut up. Austin finally took our advice and agreed with the guy who then asked us where we were going. We replied that we were going to see a hockey game that, by this time was probably over, down at the east center. I was rather shocked but very pleased when he told us he knew which stop we needed to get off at. (The guy knew the route so well that he had to give the bus driver directions. *no kidding* ) Addison escalated my apprehension of the situation when he whispered that at least we found someone nice enough to give us direction and that he just hoped that he wasn't some guy who would tell us the directions to the "bad side of town".
To my great relief we were at the right stop and soon made it to the east center. Pleading that the ticket takers would not laugh at us as we gave them our tickets (we were beyond late to the game) we were happy to find that it was still in the second inning (I think I have the right terminology there.) So we took our seats and waited for the fights to start. I was so upset when the refs kept breaking up the fights (as were Addison and Austin but they were pretty busy laughing at me for my enthusiasm at the time). In frustration I finally yelled at the players to hit the ref with a stick (which spawned many private jokes at the time) and they laughed at me some more. *mutter mutter*
The second inning ended with no fights (not in my mind at least) so we decided to walk around for a bit before the third inning started. Austin disappeared for a while and so Addison and I made fun of the beer wristbands (long story) and commented on how cool this one girl's coat was (you would have liked it too Flip, it was a very Matrix inspired trench coat) until he came back. Both Austin and Addison then decided to get food. (I wasn't hungry.) To show you the difference in their personalities Austin got a hotdog and Addison got Sushi. *chuckles*
Heading back to our seats Austin made fun of Addison for his raw fish. Addison offered me some and as I will try almost anything once I ate it. To my surprise it wasn't that bad. (even with this chemical-burn type sauce stuff that was included.) The game over, we headed back outside and walked to the bus stop. After sitting there for a while and seeing no bus (although we did see the girl with the cool coat again) we decided to ask for directions. Walking into a gas station Addison asked the workers if they knew when and where the bus came. One of the workers couldn't understand us and the other had no clue where anything was. We finally did get an answer from a guy who looked like the last thing he had to drink was alcohol, and that his bed was the very bus bench we were looking for.
After a long wait Addison decided to call his dad and ask him to pick us up. He went across the street to find a payphone while Austin and I sat on the bench and waited for either the bus to come, or Addison to come back. While we were sitting there Both Austin and I realized the Addison didn't have any change left. At that point Austin went into a frantic climax of "we are so screwed" and I sat there and tried to laugh at the situation (Austin didn't think it was funny).
Despite the fact that both Austin and I would not have been surprised if a crazy ax murder decided to make us his next victims, and though I was hoping and praying we'd get out of there alive, I really wasn't upset about the situation. It was the first time I'd been to salt lake without a parental figure of any kind. In the last few hours I had ridden the Trax (again first time without parents) rode on a city bus, (first time period) Tried sushi and liked it, watched my first good 20 minutes of a live hockey game, mourned that there were no fights during the game, watched a little boy punch the mascot and cheered him on (the bear deserved it O_o), walked the streets of salt lake, went to the east center, had been the only one with a cell phone and that cell phone didn't have service, admired Addison's jujitsu knife, considered the possibility of him actually having to use it, compared my hobo coat with the one that our bus guide was wearing, had in mind about 10 poems I couldn't wait to write down, and decided I would do it all again without a moment's hesitation if I could.
As I was pondering all this, Addison came back towards us looking not at all his usual happy self. Scared for the worst we waited for him to come and give us the bad news. I was very relived when he said that he had found a calling card with 1 minute left on it and that he had managed to get a hold of his dad, who said he would pick us up at the east center. We then walked back the now familiar road to the east center.
By the time we got to the east center it was probably about 10:30 and it was rather cold out. Sitting on the steps Austin continued to scold Addison for his lack of planning and lamented that if we had called him and had him organize it the this never would have happened. (although I personally feel that, even though Austin was the only one of us who can drive, Addison was more than justified in not asking him to drive us up there,) as we huddled on the steps I could tell that Addison was a lot colder than I was so I took of my coat intending to offer it to him as I had a sweatshirt on underneath my coat and was perfectly fine without it. Before I could say anything both Austin and Addison both verbally reprimanded me for having the audacity (me being a girl) to give up my coat to a guy, and, in doing so, ruin a perfectly good stereotype. I tried to placate them by not giving but sharing my coat with Addison. Still upset with me Austin took of his coat and tried to give it to me. Insisting that I wasn't cold and scolding Austin for trying to force me to take the coat I gave it back. After a good deal of arguing and both of them trying to do everything to prove that I was in fact cold, I won *Bwahaha!* and Austin and Addison (grumbling the whole time that it was "not how it's supposed to go") sat down and we huddled together as we waited for Addison's dad to show up. After awhile I think Austin was glad I didn't take his coat as he was colder that I was too. (I think my blubber protected me ^^;)
The boys mostly placated, we sat waiting, during which time I listened as Austin and Addison sang songs, Insisted I was not cold and refused Austin's offered coat several more times, used all of the Private jokes we had come up with in one snatch of dialogue, and laughed at how much can happen in one little night. In a way I was almost sad to see Addison's dad finally pull up.
I nearly fell asleep on the ride home. We drove home, Addison's dad got onto the wrong road (I can now see where Addison get's it) we talked about a variety of subjects, discovered the Austin's tree really does have a sawed off top, dropped him of, then drove to my house. I got our of the car, reassured Addison that I was not upset at him and thoroughly enjoyed the evening, and walked into my dark house at 12:00. I said goodnight to my dad, went down to my room, wrote all the poems I could remember and went to sleep.
This morning I drove my siblings to church all by myself (my mom had just gotten home from work and my dad was sick) wrote more poems during church, teased GusGus with the fact that I drove, managed to get out of the parking lot without incident (parking is the only thing my dad was worried about when he asked me to drive), came home, talked a bit to Russ before My dad made me get off the computer, and have typed this 4 page long Journal entry.
I hope now that in one grand sweep I have satisfied both Hairball's and Pockets's desires that I should update, (for the first time in months) and make them reconsider ever letting me update again.^^;
well it is now 11:40, my poems will have to wait until tomorrow to be put on Fiction press (sorry Hairball I'll let you read them tomorrow) and I am going to go write some more.

Adieu, farewell and all those other goodbye things baby,

fAng

Fang

Traitor
lies
spy
not worthy of any true love for does not give any in return.
selfish
self seeking
mine
braggart
boring repetition
joys at others discontentment
masochist
reopening healing wounds
blunt knives cut the deepest
don't tell me you don't care
prying information
subtle manipulations
caught in a web of lies
it's all coming back to haunt me
I'm the only trustworthy one
shameful pride
confusion
What did I do?
tears of guilt
tears of pain
tears
Are you sure you're ok?
Hateful of change
loyalties only skin deep
changeable
fickle
social butterfly
shunning outsiders
"Club members only"
you don't deserve me
I don't deserve you
why me?
no comprehension
"you don't belong here"
"you don't understand "
fix the pain
buy my silence
pay for my mistakes
you can trust me,
but you shouldn't
You can't leave me like this
Hypocrite oaths
don't pretend your not human
I know you care
you must have a soul in there somewhere
cry me a river
what will I do without you?
they can't take you away from me
you're mine!
shuddering sobs
voice controlled
first sign of weakness
must not let you know
taken advantage of
you have it all
what more could you want?
the auction of property
claim the plots of my soul
piteous sentiments

It's been an increasingly confusing day and I don't have the energy to sort through all my scattered thoughts. In the meantime this is all I'm going to do and I'll let all of you decide what's going on for yourself.

I got it

I got me laptop now! I'm so excited!

Want to crawl in a hole and die for a week

Do you wanna hear a long story? Good.
So here I am being me, doing everything a good little kid should do. (You're goin' "yeah right, Adam")So I was promised a new laptop computer by my parents if I get my Eagle before I start high school. Cool enough, eh?! So it comes to the day before highschool starts, and I'm stressin' and about ready to kill myself if I don't get it the next day because I thought it was by the day I started highschool, not the day before. But it wouldn't have mattered because the guy from the district wasn't in town untill today anyway. So I got all my stuff finished on Wednesday night, and I was all ready for today to get it signed off (my Board of Review). Friday night we went computer shopping for my dad. More precisely, a laptop. How rude of him to be buying a laptop when that's all I want. So we went all over the place looking. Finally we went to Best Buy and ended up buying not one laptop, not two laptops, but two laptops and a desktop. One laptop for my dad, one laptop for me, and the desktop for my mom. My mom's computer works great. My dad's computer works great. My computer----- who knows! I can't even open the box untill my Eagle is COMPLETELY signed off. So it should have been signed off today, right. Right. But oh no!!! Heaven forbide that anything works right for Adam. No way! Of course I'm missing one very important paper. The actual application. They make getting your Eagle so difficult! Why can't it be like every other rank advancement!!!!!?????? Stupid, *&*&&^%&^%&^^****#*&&(*($(@#&$^!#$@^$%&%^(@&*$^*. So my laptop will sit in my parents' bedroom, unopened, untouched, unused, until next Sunday when I will finally get this stupid Eagle signed off.(The district guy is out of town again until Sunday)

Fang; just guess what inspired this.

Freedom is one of those things you take for granted until you no longer have it. It's so close an so real, so perfect your whole being is encompassed with the desire to once more hold it in the palm of your hand. The force of it's pull draws you to it again and again and you reach your hands through the bars of obligation that bind you to the spot. Your reaching fingers cannot grasp it but if you stretch yourself to the limit you can even, for a few precious moments, touch it. It's scent and sound is intoxicating as your outstretched fingertips grace the cool smooth surface and the memories flood your person, of what it used to be like, to have it, to cherish it, to hold it close to you. These memories fill you with a deep and unhealed remorse of longing for it. You feel worse than if you had never touched it, never knowing what you were missing. Yet despite the pain, despite the anguish that is slowly eating away at your will to live any longer, you still reach, still stretch forth your hand, trying desperately to not only touch it, but to grasp hold of it, and pull it through the bars, these confines, on your time, your energy, your very life. You know the pain would be worth it. Somehow you know, with every fiber of your being, that if you could only reach it, the confines surrounding you would crumble to dust, unable to withstand the splendor and purest joy contained within your firmly clasped hand.

Could I be any more conspicuous? --;;;;;;;;

Sorry about the sappiness of this. And just for this in general.

I felt sick. Completely sick. There was a hole in the pit of my stomach and a burning ache in my heart. Tears coursed uncontrollably down my face as the soft spoken voices of the countless dead rand in my ears. It was all my fault. Endless people were dying because of me and my selfish, foolish, nonsense ideas of "love and peace." Faces danced in front of my eyes; friends I'd known since they were children, kids with so much to learn, so many things to live for... Guilt tightened its hold on my chest. I gasped and caughed, squeezing my eyes shut tight. Images I've long since tried to forget sprang into my vision. Memories whirled and spun, each as painful as the next, causing my head to want to burst. My eyes shot open as my mind halted on the fact that people were losing their lives, the most precious thing anyone can posess, because of me. Because I was alive. Huddled and shaking now, I opened my mouth and screamed. Screamed for each and every lost second of life, for all their pain, the pain of those they left behind, for the pain of my decisions. I'm so confused. There's an alternative burried somewhere in my subconcious, but I haven't dug deep enough to find it yet. Spiders...Butterflys...There's a way to save them both. There's a way...

Fang: I conquered camp! BWAHAHAHAHA! *shows off her battle scars*

Well I'm back from girls camp only slightly the worse for wear.*chuckles* It was tons of fun but I missed you guys terribly. *sighs* I probly won't be able to leave the house for a couple of weeks but you guys are more than welcome to come over. I just hope I'll still be able to do the HP skit thing but if we do it soon I might have a but of a problem as far as me being the bottom half of hagrid goes although I think my preformance of snape might be better. ~_^ (I'm sure this will all make perfect sence once I see you guys) in the meantime I will be doing a fair amount of babysitting but I'm pretty sure i can perswade my mom to let shelli or kaiti babysit for a while.

I can't wait till flip gets back. (by the way I'm so sory I wasn't able to come to the dance. My parent's kidnapped me.) Honestly we all need to have a party soon (hopefully one that everyone will show up to *MutterSpazMuttermutter*)

*sighs* well I have to go so I'll talk to you guys later
tata for now!
Fang

Fang : Anybody wana come visit me?

Well Shelli and I are finally going to get rid of all of our junk from the little cleaning spree we had lately. I'm gonna be so glad when it's finally gone. We're going to be going down to the AF park (the one by the stop light with the church right across the street from it) and we are going to be there from about 9-12 Saturday morning (tomorrow) to try and sell as much of it as we can. If any of you aren't busy tomorrow (and even if you are) please stop by and say hello to us. (I'm gonna be so bored sitting there with just Shelli for company) I promise I'll make it worth while! (Aubrey! I'll donate money towards the HP spoof fund!) Right now I still have to finish pricing all of the stuff so I have to go but I hope to see you guys tomorrow!

Over and out!
fAng