I keep having people ask me how I’m doing or how college life is. I usually will answer that everything’s fine, I’m busy as ever, and college life is crazy. In a way, this is a better, or rather, more in depth view of what’s been going on.
Lately I’ve had a real hard time processing what’s going on. I go to work, classes, and other stuff, and I’m in a constant state of exhaustion. I truly feel bad about all of the comments I’ve made in the past ranting about people changing. I now know I have never had the right to judge that, nor will I ever have that right. I’ve done a fair amount of changing over the past little while, particularly over the past few days and I’m still deciding if those changes were for the best.
I really don’t care anymore. I go through the motions, make people believe I care that they have a crush on this guy or mastered a test or have emotional impact on me, but it’s all feeling so superficial. I got my first kiss from a person who has no emotional attachment to me nor I to him, and I have no real emotional response to it. I’m not angry, not happy, not bitter, not anxious. It was a rather momentous occasion, and yet I don’t have enough concern to assign an emotion to it.
I suppose I’ve been spoiled. Growing up I never had a guy treat me like a piece of meat, at least not to where I heard about it. Now, I feel cold and packaged ever so cleanly, so much so that even those apprehensive about killing something feel comfortable using me. Some of you may be shocked to find that I swear more often, almost every bit of which is aimed at myself. I look at my writing, my emotions, my drives, and my actions, and I hate that damn slutty bitch so pathetically stuck in an emo-angst rut.
I’ve moved past the cold stage and straight into the tingling numb of frostbite. Even in social situations such as parties or tournaments I’m surrounded by people, all of them behind a wall that they have no idea is there. I suppose it’s natural, after all, I had many a friend go through the same thing. Does that make it right? Does that excuse me? All the relationships I’ve built up over the years are simply sifting away and I’m not making new friends to replace them, so intent am I on pretending to grab at the fading grains. I have little doubt that there will be shallow, well meant responses to this post. It’s the typical thing to do and I will respond back in kind, telling everyone that I’m fine so we can all go back to our contented worlds, satisfied that we did our bit of charity work for the day. And yet, if I’m really so cynical of the comments and my response, then why didn’t I post it privately?
There was a time when I would cry myself to sleep almost every night just to purge myself of all of the grief going on around me. Now I simply sleep.
