...

This is a few bits and pieces of a rant that's been going on in my head for the past several weeks so you'll have to forgive me if it's a little weird and doesn't make the slightest bit of sense.

I really haven't been feeling well for the past couple of weeks. I've been spending so much time and energy on my homework and after school activities that it's been draining me of all the energy and life I have left. It's a constant struggle for me to resist the urge to throw up my hands and say I can't do it anymore. I don't want to quit, it's not like me to give up on anything when I've set my mind to it. There are a few things however that I'm having trouble holding onto. I feel like I'm drifting apart from every single person I've ever had the privilege to call my friend and I'm powerless to stop it. Every time I'm near any of them I get the immpresion that I'm just another accessory, that I used to be fun but now, like a childhood toy, everyone's too old and mature to busy themselves with the likes of me. I'm not a child, I have responsibilitys that a lot of parents don't have and I deal with them. Who knows, my childlike attitude may just be my way of coping.
*sighs* I hate pity in every form, self inflicted or otherwise and I hate what it does to people. I realize that all I'm doing right now is having a big pity party and that tomorrow I will probably be completely fine and will probably scold myself for being such a baby, but it still doesn't change how I feel now.
I've never seriously considered suicide or self mutilation as a way of ridding myself of my problems and never will. Maybe I'm just too selfish or self serving and just can't see what's in it for me, maybe I'm scared of taking that much control of my life, but it will never happen. Yet even with that knowledge I still wonder what would happen if I did. Would anyone even notice, or more realistically, would anyone, after coming to my funeral, comforting my family and having their fill of potluck, even think about me after that? If I were to get in a car accident would anyone come visit me in the hospital, hoping I might wake up? How long would it be before only my family comes? How long before my parents finally decide to "pull the plug" as I'll never wake up?

This is never going to come to anything, I'll be fine tomorrow, and as no one is even going to read this I'm ending it before the gaping whole in my chest is big enough to drive a car through.