I'm sick of this.

 

Well it’s certainly been a long time since I’ve bothered to update this.  Unfortunately my need to rant supersedes my need to fill everyone in on my life over the past few months, so I’ll add life details later.

I’m sick and tired of games in relationships.  I don’t get them, can’t play them, and get way too stressed out by them.  I am completely confident in all but one area of my life – I can do anything, and am sure I can handle anything that comes up – except in the relationship aspect. 

I have no problem making and keeping friends.  I love people and am fairly accepting of others and their relative stages of life, but the instant any issues of “liking” come into play, on my part or theirs, I’m a complete and total mess.  I’ve done everything I can think of to combat this in myself, but nothing seems to work.  Ever since 7^th grade I’ve had people close to me who play the game so effortlessly, and I can’t seem to figure out what’s going on.  I have friends who were more experienced in dating at 16 than I am now, and I just don’t get it.  I’m not a horrible catch, quite the contrary.  I know I have talents and I know I’m accomplished in a bunch of areas, so why do I have problems meeting even one guy who recognizes and appreciates it?

The guys I meet as of late fall into one of two categories – The ones who would never be interested in dating me or the ones who are only interested in how I could satisfy them, and I’m not that kind of a person.  I care too much about people and have my emotions linked too closely with physicality to be a one night stand type of girl.  I just can’t shake that, no matter how much I’ve wanted to, especially now that my restrictions are all personally, rather than externally enforced.

The only guy I came close to dating essentially used me and pushed me beyond my limits till he was satisfied, and then I didn’t hear from him for a week.  When I was finally able to talk to him he kicked me to the curb with a smile and a “lets just be friends” and such has only heightened my insecurities. 

And now a similar circumstance has come up and I’m just waiting.  Hoping he won’t do the same, but preparing myself for another let down.  Another bit of abuse by someone I called a friend.  And if the same does happen I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it.  I’m trying so hard to do my best.  To trust someone with the ability to break my heart, hoping that someone can prove to me that people are as kind, decent, and amazing as I’ve always believed they are. 

I’m not asking for much.  I’m not even asking for a relationship.  I’m just asking that he talks to me.  If it’s a Nicmo, ok.  Fine.  I can deal with that and be perfectly happy, with no negative feelings and no baggage on either side.  I can be whatever he wants me to be.  But I can’t stand another week with no word.  Another week of silence, and another week that makes me question myself and who I am in a way that nothing else can.  I didn’t deserve it the first time and I certainly don’t deserve it now.