There is a risk in reading this post. I know that in saying that the readership will, if anything, go up, but I have to voice what I feel. I sincerly hope anyone isn't offended.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I just got in contact with my cousin Hannah again. For those of you who don't know, she and I used to be the closest of cousins. We shared eveything from music tastes to secrets and she was there for me in bad times. And yet, even at those times when she was rigidly religious and always perfect, I was unsure what would happen. You know how you can just tell with some people? you know they're going to grow up and be brilliant and happy. They have such confidance in themselves and others and a genuine love of life and you know that however many waves crash over them they'll bob right up to the surface with a grin on their face. I never felt that about Hannah. Despite how much I loved her and despite how much I wished it was true, I never expected that for her. I wish I could say it wasn't so.
After some major family complications her parents divorced - and not just in a civil "let's just go our separate ways", oh no. They're family was torn apart. I'm not placing blame for any of it, but it shattered their lives. My Uncle Rob married a nice girl and they live in this podunkville town, and he seems to be really happy. The rest of the family was not so lucky. My aunt Rachel, now with custody of the kids (who, excepting the youngest and only boy, ben, refuse to have anything to do with their dad) moved them to Wyoming to be with her family, where she met a trucker and married him. I'd like to say that everything went well, but then, what would be the point of the story? My aunt rachel, her four daughters and one son moved into her new husband's trailer with him, his daughters(I'm not sure how many) and son. Needless to say they seperated soon after that, except my then 16 year old cousin Naomi, who married her brother in law. Her birth father didn't hear about the wedding until a week after, due to a casual comment by Ben on one of their visits. My heart broke for her.
Since that time my contact with their family has been minimal. It appeared as if they had dropped off the face of the earth. I would heat brief news about their declineing health, and Hannah's proposed move back to salt lake, but that was about it until now. Hannah managed to earn enough to buy a laptop and contacted me a few days ago. My head is now spinning. My Hannah has changed, which I suppose is to be expected. How could I possibly imagine that she'd remain the sweet innocent girl I once knew. The one who used to pretend that a flock of faries lived in the bush under our window. Who thought even the word "crap" was a swear word never to be uttered. Who used to giggle with me over cute guys we'd seen while walking. Who used to love reading scriptures with our two families.
That girl has been gone for a while. I'm still trying to adjust to the new one. My family, particularly my parents, laugh at her and her family, vindictively saying that they got what they asked for. They are on the side of my uncle, he being my dad's brother, and care not for the people who hurt him. And I don't know what I feel.
I suppose I reject the idea of judgement as I don't want to be judged myself. All those years ago when we were close both of us were so into our faith and our goals, both set, at least in part, by our parent's expectations, we were exactly alike. What is it that caused such a drastic shift? Why is it that I can be living in utah, going to church each sunday, still dress modestly, and still believe in God? I'm certainly not the most faithful of members. I've skipped church for sleep, or debate, or to go visit friends. I pray spuratticly when I can't talk to anyone else, and I don't follow through on callings.
I'm certainly not more special than she, so why is it that I can know so undegnyably that there is a God? That he loves me? That I have the ability to love? That I'm worth more than a one night stand in the back of a pickup? That no matter what, I know everything will work out for the best?
Strangely, these types of occurances increase as I get older. I've met, loved, and or understood so many people like Hannah as of late. People who are wonderful beautiful people who have so much going for them, but are missing something. Hope? Faith? It's almost the quality that makes their soul 3D. That makes them stand out. It doesn't seem to matter if you're LDS or not, but just knowing that there is a God alters people in a way that I can't hope to explain.
I'm really getting sick of seeing so many people who are dead to that. Who live solely in a 2D plane of lust, lazyness, and greed. So many places I go it's like walking among Zombies. I know that's cliche to an extreme, but there is some truth there. And I don't know what to do now. Do I continue with my life, dealing with people like my cousin, loving them but shuddering inspite of myself? Do I alienate them all, distancing myself from them in favor of the memories of childlike innocence?
Where do I go from here?
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Drama
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2 comments:
It would be a sad day indeed if you gave up on your cousin because she was not living the lifestyle you think she should be living.
Granted, that does NOT mean, by any means, that she is living a healthy or good one that is beneficial to her or bringing her happiness, or that you actually would ever do that (give up on her, that is).
But I still think this is a really important descision moment for you. You are excactly right in asking yourself if it is better to deal with people like that, or better to distance yourself from them in order to preserve who they used to be and who you wish they still were. How you treat this descision may very well affect how you approach similar situations for the rest of your life.
What you really need to ask yourself is whether or not you care more about the person, or care more about how you feel. Is it more important to make sure that they know they are loved unconditionally, and that there is someone praying for them even if that is not their philosophical/religious persuasion, or is it more important to not feel uncomfortable?
It's true that some people just don't believe in God. It is also true that they may feel perfectly happy, and that they do not feel empty. It is a major proponent of religion, I think, to assume that everyone who does not believe there is a God has a huge gap in their life and are consistantly miserable but just don't know why. For those of us who do believe in God, of course we see that their unhappy moments and their wounds through life would be healed and soothed if only they believed, but in order to be truly compassionate to them, you have to put yourself in their shoes without applying the judgment that religion naturally brings.
If Hannah doesn't believe in God, and TRULY doesn't believe in God (as opposed to simply being bitter toward him and pretending to not), it is possible that she doesn't feel empty in the way you percieve she does. The zombie-ness that you see is, from the view of an athiest, the result of living a difficult life and being unhappy and making bad choices, as opposed to what we Christians would see it as (a lack of God in their life).
This is a whole lot of rambling, but essentially what I have been building to is. . .well, a few things. Athiests can be just as hopeful and faithful, but just in different ways. It is a misconception that every Athiest is unhappy and living what they feel to be an unfulfilled life-- some people simply are unable to resolve their inner conflicts and come to terms with a belief in God. Some people do not want to live a modest, deeply religious life full of church and sermons and activities, others can't. It is sad, but true, and possible because of God's gift of free will. We get to make that choice, and other people shouldn't be able to judge that, because judgment is God's, and not ours. That doesn't mean that Hannah isn't unhappy, though. In fact, I imagine she is INCREDIBLY unhappy, given the really screwed up life she has been dragged into and now is living. And it doesn't mean that people should just stop praying for people who don't believe in God because they 'have no chance' or something silly like that. Quite the opposite.
More than anything, you should accept your cousin for who she is, and love her as much as God loves you. Love her with every little itty bitty piece of you, because that sounds like something she is severely lacking. Pray for her, and be an example without being heavy handed in your display of religion. She is likely already put off to it, and anyone preaching to her and telling her to come back to the church and be happy will just make her more resistant. You'll show her how God loves her through giving her good advice, supporting her and being there for her, and hopefully it will soften her heart. The rest is really between her and God.
Dido to everything Jen said. I'd just like to emphasize and add a couple things.
Love. Pray. Love, pray, love, pray, love, pray, love, pray! These govern our Gospel. John 3:16 Through pray, we can know the truth of all things. Moroni 10:5
Without charity, we would have no Atonement. Moroni 7:47-48. Without that, we can never be healed.
Our Gospel, Ani, is based on love. Every action, every principle, and every doctrine you can imagine boils down to love. Romans 12:9-10. Love without dissimulation; love without restriction. Love without end. 2 Corinthians 6:6.
Your cousin needs love. Why would someone try to convince you to back away of someone's needs? Who is that?
When love is felt, in any degree, it brings the love of God. The love of God is his Spirit. His Spirit is what heals us. Regardless if she is atheist or Jewish, the Spirit can heal. That comes from love. That can come form you. That comes from God. 1 John 4:16
People know when they are a project, or when people are being fake. Be sincere. D&C 121:42-45.
Never back away. Never compromise yourself, though. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13 Be that strength to her. Just love.
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