*Excerpt from a journal entry I wrote in my offline journal on Sunday. Needless to say since I wrote it in My journal I wasn't planning on putting it here but since I have nothing else to do I might as well add it. Also please forgive the teenage angst, (I usually don't rant about this type of thing) ,as well as my blatantly obvious religious references.*
Guess what! Friday was Prom! Guess what again! I didn't get asked. Big surprise. I've been 16 now for almost 7 months now and have been on one date. Even better, that one date was to Preference and I was the one who did the asking and the guy I went with probably never would have asked me to a dance anyway. The funny thing is that I have no shortage of guyfriends who are not "going out" with anyone at this point and therefore would be able to ask me out, but it still hasn't happened yet, and you know why? Because going on a date with me would simply be "too weird" because all of them tend to see me as their "little sister" and therefore not female. When I turned 16 I even jokingly hired all of my guyfriends to be my "big brothers", meaning that if any guy breaks my heart they have an obligation to teach him a lesson. The only problem with that plan however is that they will never get the chance to, as I'm never going to be in that position in the first place. I'm not and never will be the "most popular girl in school" as I tend not to wear makeup or act boy crazy all the time, and I don't want to be. I can't help the way I feel, Every time I've had a crush on someone it makes things suddenly awkward between the two of us. Is it a crime not to want to be so obsessed with someone that I follow them around like a mindless puppy, with no intelligent thought going through my head as it's so consumed by images of "the one". Is it selfish of me to never want to be in a position where I like someone who can't stand being around me? I especially don't want my affections for someone to annoy him.
*sighs*
It really doesn't matter much though. I'm never going to go out with someone, I'm never going to get proposed to, I'm never going to find "the one", I'm never going to get married, I'm never going to have a family of my own and never going to have a "happily ever after" so why bother trying? On Wednesday we played "the game of life" for Mutual. We were supposed to get there, find our partner and continue on our merry way through the stations they had set up. My only problem was that, though I was the second person there, my partner (who was supposed to be the second guy there) seemed to have mysteriously disappeared. While the other happy couples (including several of my friends) wandered off to start their new lives together, I searched in vain for my partner until I was told to just continue the game alone. Naturally I did so and spent the game wandering around on my own. Along the way I got my education and was the 2nd person to get my PHD after Shambray (who I'd dragged along with me to the activity),earned quite a bit of money, paid my tithing, got a temple recommend, went on a mission and was generally very successful and Molly Mormon-ish, that is until I died. At that point everyone went to "heaven" where they separated us up into married and unmarried people. Of the very few unmarried people there, Shambray and I were among them (her husband claimed that he was going on a mission and never returned). Reflecting on the activity later didn't much improve my mood. All it did was give me the realization that that's probably how my life is going to turn out. I'm going to spend quite a bit of my life looking for that special someone, knowing he's out there somewhere and yet not knowing why he's not looking for me too. I'll end up going to college and earning high honors there, then after I will be highly successful in any job I choose. Yet, through it all I'm going to wonder what's wrong with me and ponder on why I haven't gotten married yet. Did "the one" actually meet me and decide I wasn't pretty or popular or docile enough for him? What could I have done better? Even if I was the most famous or most wealthy person on earth it won't matter in the eternal scheme of things, and any joy or gratification I receive will be small in comparison to what I could have as a wife or mother. Today I was sleeping on the couch and had this really weird dream, in which my dad said that I would "Raise a child". He really seemed to be sincere and I want to believe it but I can't totally allow myself to ( during this dream my dad also told Shelli that she was going to become a soda addict, so I do have quite a bit of doubt to the dream's validity). I wish I knew for sure if anyone even considered me to be dating material. Knowing me however I would probably be the only girl in the history of the universe to go to BYU and not come away with my M.R.M. (Mrs. Returned Missionary) Degree. It's partially for that reason that I'm not really considering going to BYU. *sighs*
That's pretty much all I wrote before I decided that if I continued much longer I'd be verging on suicidal.
I hate myself.
7 comments:
no no
I am not shambray. I kidnapped her password after bonking her on the head.
How dare you think that way you gorgeous piece of heaven. If I were there right now I would take you in my arms and.......*blush* well you know.
your future R.M.
P.S. love you
oh sugar bugar
Well, who ever that was they are so right. You are a cutie. Come on if I can win a pageant then you can have any guy you want. It is simple the reason no one is asking you out is that they are not praying. Those fools!?!?!
(to help make you feel better A.K.A. THE TRUTH)
well, I didn't get married either and I had a chance . plus I did not go to P.R.O.M or any other dance for that matter. And I have been 16 for how ever long it has been since july?
(more good stuff)
First of all you are a cutie, not in a sweet spirit way, you are hot. Your ability to love others makes the rest of us feel, not so good as you ,but that is why you are here.
me
I love you (christ like way)
P.S. who do you think you are Chersti
There is such a thing as self-fulfilling prophesy. Don't let it. You have control over your mood, no one else. Choose how you want to be and be. It's hard, but it's just that simple.
As for relationships, they can be really cool, but in high school they're not gonna lead anywhere but to needless drama that makes you lose that internal locus of control. That's a bad thing. An unnecessary evil.
You know, I always saw 'MRM' as 'Medium-Range Missile'... I want that degree now! Kinda... the missile interpretation, I mean... I'm just gonna shut up now...
True, true. I really don't think that what I descibed in my rant will ever happen (or at least hope not). A lot of what I wrote was a brief lapse into my, not had enough sugar/worrywart/seeking the "don't say those things about yourself! you're wonderful!"/wanting to be a normal teenager stage (which hopefully is pretty much over at this point).
To be perfectly honest I probably think way to highly of myself, but I really don't care. In my mind it's way better than putting myself down which is why I usualy don't rant about stuff like this where other people can see it. Who knows, the first comment to my rant might have been from someone other than Shambray *coughcough* and who knows what might come of THAT.
By the way, if MRM really does stand for Medium-Range Missile, I too want to get one ^^;
Re: no no
*Swoons* At last! I finally have a secret admirer all of my own! hmm... now I wonder who he could be and how he possibly could have guessed Shambray's password.
*wanders off to ponder this mystery*
Re: oh sugar bugar
*chuckles* well obviously if neither of us are getting dates then there is something wrong here!
*shakes fist at the male population of the world*
Hello My love
Of course I am NOT SHAMBRAY. How unusual for you to think such a thing? But I still love you, because you are so innocent...or perhaps not so. Any ways I care.
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