Prayers for Japan

If you're not scared, you're not paying attention.

I am a worrier.  I accept that, and I make the personal justification that "at least I'm prepared for anything". Well this year has really challenged that for me. I realized that while I am prepared in a lot of areas, I am not ready for the future.  And by the future I mean the future I am living in.



Have you seen the news about Japan?  Have you heard that the death toll from the Earthquake and the resulting Tsunami could reach 25,000?  That the nuclear reactors melting down could increase that even more?  That there are parts that will never recover from this disaster?

Call me Chicken little here, but the sky is falling and falling fast and I am freaking out.  I still go to work, still go to church, still blog, still become increasingly dependent on my phone and my electricity and my internet.  I can sew, cupboard cook like a fiend, knit, crochet, clean, peaceably negotiate, and , but I certainly don't have as many end-of-the-world marketable skills as I'd like, and I'm working on those.  I'm starting a garden, and I have a list of things that still need to be done.  Some are a little bit far in the future, but nevertheless here's my list:
1. Buy a HAM radio (Call sign KE7ELJ if anyone's interested.)
2. Increase my food supply, especially my water supply
3. buy a gas generator
4. Get an emergency supply of fuel.
5. Get hand powered tools (such as a wheat grinder)
6. Get some kind of power source, such as solar panels or a windmill
7. Never let my car get below half full of Gas (for quick emergency escapes)
8. Get a more advanced water filtration system (my Brita is not going to cut it if I have to filter lake water)
9. Get a 72 hour kit created
10. Get at least 3 months income in savings
11. Buy gold or silver coins with that savings
12. Get chickens and/or a goat
13. Stock up on toiletry items like soap and toilet paper
14. Start recycling
15. Start couponing
16. Learn to hunt.
17. Purchase a gun and ammunition.
18. Make a portable first aid kit

 And just for fun I may get myself one of these.


I will probably add more to the list as I go along, but I think that will make a good start.  What about you guys?  Am I the only one freaking out here?

Thank you hubby!

Yes, this is going to be a blog post about Alan.  I have good reasons for it.  Go with it.

I was reading over the blog http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/ and I am loving it!  I don't agree with all of it, but the vast majority speaks to an area of my thoughts that I don't really touch in my conversations with people.

A little background on me.  I am an independent woman.  Oldest of ten, and born in a family that didn't force me to hide myself.  I have parents that encouraged me to develop my talents, and one of mine happened to be public speaking.  I loved drama class, and I was a wiz kid in debate.  I went from not bringing home a single trophy my sophomore year, to competing at nationals my junior year, to taking first place in state my senior year.  I was already an outspoken kid, but I grew into my own with those experiences, and I loved the confidence it gave me.
Fast forward to college.  I moved away from home to a single's ward and an apartment with 5 roommates.  I'd had inklings before, but this was the first time I had really realized that I was not doing what I was "supposed" to do.  I was getting my education, I was outspoken, and I was not afraid to let people know what I thought.  This knowledge that I was doing something wrong did not come from my roommates, or from my church leaders, but rather from the guys around me who were not interested in a vocal girl.  After a horrible relationship where the guy attempted to train my confidence out of me, I became convinced that if I was to get a husband I would have to change myself.

I was shocked when I met Alan.  I was not looking for a relationship, and I tried to get rid of him by being confident and opinionated, which I had learned were the most men-deterring personality traits I possessed.  Instead of dismissing me as troublesome, he loved it!  He loved that I wasn't afraid to have a conversation with him, and I learned that it was possible for someone to romantically love me without sacrificing a huge part of my personal identity.

I am so grateful that I have a husband who isn't bound by expected gender norms.  Alan cooks the most amazing dinners, tears up when he thinks about starting a family, and who cleans even better than I do.  He gets excited about our garden, and encourages me to "talk it out" with him when I need to rant.  He keeps our cars in running order, and he knits to keep his fingers occupied when watching tv.  He is obsessed with sports, gives the best hugs, and constantly plays fetch with our dog Cleo.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Life as we know it

I have no plan for this post. That doesn't seem so unusual to most, but all of my blogs are planned out and this one isn't. I haven't even decided if I am going to actually post it or just keep it safe in a draft. I miss livejournal's ability to make some posts private, some for only friends, and some for public. Blogger should really REALLY get on the ball with that, especially since livejournal was doing it when I was in Jr. High.

This is my life right now. I have been married for over two years now, and I am further away from getting pregnant than I was when we got married. And I really want children. I have ALWAYS known that would be my highest calling in life, from when my playing pretend as a little girl was always playing house. My parents were very against forcing children to gender identify, so they bought me dolls and trucks and tools and pretend makeup kits. I chose the dolls, and I used the Tonka trucks as strollers.

*note, this is not actually me in this picture, but you get my drift.

When we considered breeding our dog Cleo I asked my mom if she would be a good mom and her question to me was "Does she 'Mother' her toys?" I'm not saying by any means that if you played with cars as a small child that you will be a bad parent - far from it. Dogs are not people, and have nowhere near the resources and intelligence and common sense that we do. But the point remains that I have been in the practice of 'Mothering' for a very long time. I have invested so much in that goal. And you know what? I WILL be a mother some day. I will hear little children scream "Mommy!" and that will be my name. It hasn't happened yet.

This "not happening" is not without trying. I have never been on the pill, and we still have the full box of condoms we got when we were married. I have spend about 8 months on fertility meds, and we know I am broken. "Perfectly healthy people, as a general rule, have no problem getting pregnant" Right? So I am in need of fixing. I can accept that this body in it's current state has almost no chance of conceiving, and even if I could it would probably be a hard pregnancy. So now I have a choice of what to do moving forward, and there MUST be a choice. I will not accept this without a plan, and no one around me would either.

1. Do nothing. Convince myself that there are other things that I should be focusing on. Throw my efforts into loving my wonderful husband, school, loosing weight, and getting a better job. If I am patient I will have less stress, my relationships will improve, and I will not be the crazy wannabe mom, who cannot exist without relating everything in her life to children and infertility and birth and pregnancy.

2. Throw myself further into fertility treatments. Spend thousands of dollars on forcing myself to get pregnant, only to be a basket-case when I see time after time that negative test. This one has the highest possibility of conceiving. There are methods I have not tried and tests I have not done and one of those could do it. It is my highest chance of getting pregnant.

3. Start the process of adoption. Get a lawyer, save up for court fees, get registered with an adoption agency, create a bubbly profile for LDS family services that justifies ourselves as the perfect place for someone's baby, because no one is going to give a baby to someone that they have any doubt will be able to take care of them. And we could wait. Wait for potentially years, being turned down because our jobs aren't stable, we don't have college degrees, we've only been married for a short time, we don't have any other children, we're too fat, our eyes aren't the right color- the list goes on. And what if there is someone who likes us enough to consider us, and we go to pickup the baby and they say "No, I'm sorry, but we've changed our minds" even though we have been supporting them through the whole pregnancy and we were so sure that it would work out. And what if that happens one, two, three times and we never ever get to bring that sweet child home?

None of those three sound anywhere close to perfect. We have decided on a mix of one and three. We will focus on other things besides getting pregnat. We will work on improving our life and our jobs. While we do that Alan and I are working on our certification to be Foster Parents. There is no need for fancy adoption blogs, and the children are so much more needful of loving people with open arms. We realize that 90% of children that we may get will be unadoptable as their birth parents work with the court to get their children back, and the ideal is for a child to be raised by loving birth parents. The whole 100% are in need of a loving home, and that is what we can give.

If you want to be a parent you have to be where there is the possibility of children, and foster care is the perfect place for us. I know that God will know if we are supposed to adopt a child. I know that we have a lot more to offer than a fancy blog will ever show. I know that we will be blessed because of the role that we play in their lives, be it for a day or a lifetime. With Alan and I both working, many people would consider us crazy for even trying, even going forward with it with no plan as to how we are going to provide for them, but we know this is what we need to do. We are going to go through the classes and become licensed. We can't be powerless to give a child safety anymore.

It's a start. It is progression. I am moving toward 'Mommy'.