I'm not really in a very good mood right now. I don't know wether it's from a lack of sleep or an overabundance of paint fumes (I'm getting really sick of all of this housework). My brain is so muddled right now that I have no idea what to do and am sure that more that half of this will be unrelated to the other and only understood by me (if that) So therefore I am going to use up this perfectly good space and get all of my rants and laments out in the open.
*sighs*
Item one.
Over the past few months (pretty much since school started) I've noticed how everyone seems to be changing. I don't know wether it's just that most of us are in high school now or what, but there has been a drastic change in the group we had. I'm not excluding myself from that, I too seem to have been caught up in the "high school mentality" and to be honest it scares me to death. I'm so scared of losing all of you. I probably just being an over dramatic prat and a chronic worry wart but I don't want things to change. Over the past few months I've been so caught up in schoolwork, housework, babysitting, debate, etc. that I feel as though, during my absence, everyone was handed out a new script or set of instructions of what to do know that the school year has begun, and I missed out on it. Everything from the "pairing off", to different clubs, to actually being able to get together on a regular basis. I'm missing it.
I love all of you so much and desperately want to be around you, but at this point I don't think I'm worthy of it. I've singlehandedly stabbed all of you in the back (through my actions and "advice") and some of you don't even realize that I've done so. I'm a childish brat with no respect for anyone's feelings but my own, I probe secrets from all of you and take fiendish delight in either revealing those secrets to others to meet my needs, or getting mad that they've been told to people other than me. I expect to be told everything about your relationships and yet somehow manage not to reveal anything about my own unless it served my purposes. I can be bought by bribery and have blackmailed all of you with something. I know I've hurt every one of you and have rejoiced at your suffering because I've gotten what I wanted out of the process.
Item two.
Over the past little while I've done quite a bit of philosophizing. Most of it has been how everyone seems so different but I have also learned a lot about myself. Needless to say I am not happy with most of what I've realized. I think I'm beginning to understand why I don't feel so much a part of any group right now. It's due to the simple fact that I haven't grown up yet. I'm just waiting till all of the people I've become acquainted with this year suddenly realize that I'm not worth their time or friendship. Truth is they would be absolutely right. I have no talent in any of the areas I used to be talented in. I didn't try out for any of the plays and will probably not try out for the musical because I know I'll never get in. I've gone into a total slump in drama and am forgetting what it was like to really act. I want to get out and have someone give me a chance to prove myself against all the other wanabes who are ten-thousand times better than me.
I had more that I wanted to say but this is just dragging on and as no one will even read this I'm ending it now.
Fang
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